December | 2014 | relatingblog

So where do I begin? Right now my mom is in the hospital with cancer. My wife, mother in law and my four month old daughter are all at my house with the flu. People are asking ‘How are you? Is there anything I can do?’ Though I am truly appreciative for the help and kind words, most of the time I don’t know how to respond. Currently, it feels like I am just treading water trying to stay afloat.

I know I’m not the first person to feel like this. We all have our moments where we feel overwhelmed, as if you are being pulled in every direction like a mid-evil torture device (is that imagery too dark?). So what are we supposed to do when we feel like that? How am I supposed to handle life when I feel like crawling in a hole until everything has passed?

Honestly, I don’t have some clear cut answer. Sure I could quote some Bible verses like they are a cut and paste remedy. I don’t think the Bible works like that though. ‘Oh you are going through this? Well here’s a verse that will help. Oh you have a question about the political/social topic? Well here’s a verse that I believe answers your question.’

I don’t want to get off topic so let me say this. The only thing I know when I am facing obstacles that seem too large for me is that God is God. He’s there in the good times, He’s there in the bad, He’s there when I doubt He exists, He’s there whenever I come running back to Him like a lost child. I don’t know why some things happen in life and I often have more questions than answers. But I know that God is real and He’s there for me.

I’ve been wanting to get back into writing for awhile. I guess there’s nothing like a crisis to motivate you. Writing for me is a way to process life and if anyone can take anything positive or meaningful from it then great. I have never written to get sympathy or guidance from others. (But prayers during this time are much appreciated).

Right now my mom is in the hospital battling a cancer diagnosis. We don’t know what kind of cancer or the severity of it yet. Praying it’s something that is easily treatable.

It’s hard to watch the strongest woman I know be in so much pain right now. My mom took over as both mom and dad when he bailed 17 years ago. And being an only child sometimes it seemed like each other was all we had. (Though my extended family has been the greatest throughout the years)

I’ve been talking to God more the last few days; mainly questions. And I know, who am I to question God. But I think questions are natural. Why her? Why this? She’s been through so much. And that’s part of the reason she’s so strong. But why so many trials for one woman, God?

Right now all I can do is hope. Hope and pray. I really don’t know what else to do.

I could get angry but that really wouldn’t solve any problems. I’ve felt like punching a wall. I did that one time after losing my first wrestling match in high school. All that did was make my knuckles bleed. Not a smart move, Matt. Anger does come up though. But every time I remind myself it won’t do any good to go that route.

I could get down and depressed. And I think that’s normal. I’ve cried in the shower and during car rides to and from the hospital and during every single prayer. I know I can’t live in a depressed state though. It’s ok to feel sad but to live in a state of constant sadness is no place to be.

What I keep coming back to is hope. Hope that God has this under control. Hope for a good prognosis. Hope for my mom, my family, and for me. Hope for tomorrow and the next day and the weeks and months after that.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 43:5 NLT)