I’ve been wanting to get back into writing for awhile. I guess there’s nothing like a crisis to motivate you. Writing for me is a way to process life and if anyone can take anything positive or meaningful from it then great. I have never written to get sympathy or guidance from others. (But prayers during this time are much appreciated).

Right now my mom is in the hospital battling a cancer diagnosis. We don’t know what kind of cancer or the severity of it yet. Praying it’s something that is easily treatable.

It’s hard to watch the strongest woman I know be in so much pain right now. My mom took over as both mom and dad when he bailed 17 years ago. And being an only child sometimes it seemed like each other was all we had. (Though my extended family has been the greatest throughout the years)

I’ve been talking to God more the last few days; mainly questions. And I know, who am I to question God. But I think questions are natural. Why her? Why this? She’s been through so much. And that’s part of the reason she’s so strong. But why so many trials for one woman, God?

Right now all I can do is hope. Hope and pray. I really don’t know what else to do.

 I could get angry but that really wouldn’t solve any problems. I’ve felt like punching a wall. I did that one time after losing my first wrestling match in high school. All that did was make my knuckles bleed. Not a smart move, Matt. Anger does come up though. But every time I remind myself it won’t do any good to go that route.

I could get down and depressed. And I think that’s normal. I’ve cried in the shower and during car rides to and from the hospital and during every single prayer. I know I can’t live in a depressed state though. It’s ok to feel sad but to live in a state of constant sadness is no place to be.

What I keep coming back to is hope. Hope that God has this under control. Hope for a good prognosis. Hope for my mom, my family, and for me. Hope for tomorrow and the next day and the weeks and months after that.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 43:5 NLT)