I don’t know how many times over the last few months I have thought to myself, “God why aren’t you being fair?”

To me, it’s not fair to see my mom, a woman who had already faced her share of hard times, battle cancer.

The more I think and pray about it though, it’s not right for me to question God’s fairness. To say that God is not fair is to say that I have given up on all hope in God.

Life is not fair nor will it ever be fair. To whine to God about not being fair is to be just like a little kid kicking and screaming for not getting their way.

Life is not about being fair. Life is about trusting in God above all else. Life is about holding onto faith in God despite the crumbling world around you.

So I really don’t know why my mom is going through this and I certainly hate that she is, I am trying not to whine to God about His fairness. Instead I am trusting in Him and laying every single fear, doubt, tear, and worry at His feet.

For the past two weeks I have ended the day by praying and asking for the last two weeks to be a bad nightmare that I could wake up from. And every day I wake up and realize that it’s not a nightmare.

Sometimes I want to believe God is a genie and He can just grant me wishes. Whenever life sucks I come running to Him wishing He would just wave a magic wand and make everything ok. Sometimes I even wish that He would let me win the lottery, as if a pile of money would make me happy. I know that’s not who He is though.

One thing I have learned is to not take anything for granted. Every moment is a gift. It’s easy to take things for granted, not get complacent. It often takes some crisis to shake us out of this kind of life. God wants us to have life to the fullest right now. I know I can’t have that life if there are things I am taking for granted. Every moment is sacred because every moment is from God.

I’ve been wanting to get back into writing for awhile. I guess there’s nothing like a crisis to motivate you. Writing for me is a way to process life and if anyone can take anything positive or meaningful from it then great. I have never written to get sympathy or guidance from others. (But prayers during this time are much appreciated).

Right now my mom is in the hospital battling a cancer diagnosis. We don’t know what kind of cancer or the severity of it yet. Praying it’s something that is easily treatable.

It’s hard to watch the strongest woman I know be in so much pain right now. My mom took over as both mom and dad when he bailed 17 years ago. And being an only child sometimes it seemed like each other was all we had. (Though my extended family has been the greatest throughout the years)

I’ve been talking to God more the last few days; mainly questions. And I know, who am I to question God. But I think questions are natural. Why her? Why this? She’s been through so much. And that’s part of the reason she’s so strong. But why so many trials for one woman, God?

Right now all I can do is hope. Hope and pray. I really don’t know what else to do.

 I could get angry but that really wouldn’t solve any problems. I’ve felt like punching a wall. I did that one time after losing my first wrestling match in high school. All that did was make my knuckles bleed. Not a smart move, Matt. Anger does come up though. But every time I remind myself it won’t do any good to go that route.

I could get down and depressed. And I think that’s normal. I’ve cried in the shower and during car rides to and from the hospital and during every single prayer. I know I can’t live in a depressed state though. It’s ok to feel sad but to live in a state of constant sadness is no place to be.

What I keep coming back to is hope. Hope that God has this under control. Hope for a good prognosis. Hope for my mom, my family, and for me. Hope for tomorrow and the next day and the weeks and months after that.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 43:5 NLT)

As graduation draws near I’m starting to think about my future as a counselor. Will I find a job? Will I have a specific population I work with? Who will counsel me when I eventually go crazy? (some may argue I’ve already gone)

The reason I wanted to become a counselor is I love helping people. It’s my passion. The intense feeling I’ve had working during my counseling internship can’t be compared. I also love the idea of relationships. I consider myself a student of the way people relate. It’s interesting how we relate to others, how we relate to ourselves, and with God. I’ve heard it said that life’s greatest joys and deepest wounds are relational in nature. I said that I love the idea of relationships; that’s because it’s often in the execution of a relationship when things start to get rocky.

Two people working to become one, it ain’t easy. It’s one of the hardest things in life because it requires constant work. It’s not something you can just create and never work on it again. When two individuals decide they want to be together they bring with them two different ways of doing life, two different strengths, two different sets of weaknesses, two different pasts. So of course there will be a lot of difficulty.

I’m no expert in relationships by any means. (ask my girlfriend) I fail a lot. But one thing I have learned and try to do is to constantly ask myself is how can I serve her better. I think we as humans have a tendency to easily point out the faults of others. In relationships, it’s easy to criticize your partner. It’s harder to look at yourself and ask how you can serve them better. But if BOTH people in the relationship are asking the question to themselves instead of pointing fingers at each other things would run a lot smoother. Of course you will have disagreements. Those are meant to happen. It’s when we start being critical of each other when everything starts to crumble.

We are made for relationships and I hope you are blessed in each of yours.

A few days ago I found my self kneeling down in front of the girl’s dorm at the orphanage in Mexico with a 10 year old girl squeezing me as tight as she could. Her tears flowed down her cheek and I could feel them dropping onto my shoulder. It would be a lie to say that I did not shed a tear in that moment. Her sadness was my sadness.
Kimberly has a special place in my heart. I just met her in March of this year but I already consider her my little sister. I don’t remember the exact moment we met, but that really doesn’t matter. I can still hear her laugh at me/with me. She’s kind of silly like me; I guess that’s why we connected. When we said goodbye in March, she cried as well. I think her tears brought my tears then too. I gave her a gift then, a simple bandana. But it was my bandana though. When I came back to the orphanage last week, one of the first things she said to me was “I still have your bandana that you gave me in March.” (But of course, the words she spoke were in Spanish.)
So we spent Labor Day weekend together. Laughing. Playing. Doing normal kids stuff; which is great because I am really just a big kid at heart. And then Sunday came; the day before my group left. On Monday we would be gone before the kids were up and off to school, so Sunday was our last day to see them. That Sunday afternoon during playtime, all was going fine. But then about halfway through playtime she just shut down. She sat on the concrete bench and would not talk to me or look me in the face. I didn’t know what was wrong; I could only assume. “Are you okay,” I asked in my broken Spanish. No answer. She just sat and hung her head looking toward the ground.
Later on when we went to tell the children goodbye, I knew immediately what was wrong. I said my goodbyes and see-you-laters to the other girls her age and somehow managed my way toward her. I knew that if she started crying, I would probably join her. As she sat there with her head still hanging, I knelt down beside her and said, “Kimberly, hasta luego mi hermana.” And then she gave me the biggest hug I have here had. She cried, and then I cried. Then, all of the other girls her age surrounded us and gave us a group hug. I laughed then. I gave her a present. Nothing big. Just a pencil pouch and some colored pencils I had bought a few hours before; both wrapped in a black bandana. Then her and I took a picture and you can tell both of our eyes are a little red.
Kimberly wasn’t ashamed to say, “Matt, I am going to miss you. I am sad because you are leaving.” Sure she hung her head, but not because she was hiding. She was simply upset. Kids are good at letting you know how they feel. Maybe that’s a little of what Jesus meant when he said that we need to become like little children to enter the Kingdom of God. Maybe Jesus thinks it’s important to let those people around us know how important they are to us. He did say that next to loving God, loving others is the most important part of life. And just like children do, if we love the people around us we shouldn’t hide it. If we care about people, they should know. If we miss someone, it’s important to tell them that we care. I know many times I try to build my own walls to protect me from others (such an adult thing to do), but the other day in Mexico when I said goodbye to Kimberly…she had no walls. I knew that she cared for me. And for some reason that moment filled with tears and goodbyes helped me understand a little more about the person God wants me to be-a person that lets the people around him know how important and loved they are.

I have always loved a good story. I guess that’s why I like to read and watch movies. I remember writing my own stories in elementary school. I would always write my friends’ names into the stories that way when I read it aloud in class, they would be more interested. What kid doesn’t like to hear that they are on an adventure in a haunted house?

I don’t think of myself as some grand writer that can touch the depths of the human soul through the words that he writes down. I have terrible grammar sometimes. I blame that on being raised in the south. But I do like to write stories. Some are true, and some are mostly true. But they all are from some life experience I have learned.

Why is that some stories speak to us? Two of my favorite films make me cry every time I see them. (Yes, I shed the occasional tear. I consider myself manly enough to know that sometimes tears are perfectly okay.) First, there’s A Time to Kill with Samuel L. and Matthew McConaughey. When Samuel goes out to hug his daughter after his trail…well it gets me every time. The second movie is the Pursuit if Happyness with Will Smith. Will’s had all of these hard times and then at the end he finds out he got the job. He knows at that moment that everything would be okay for himself and his son. I cry there too. (Just realized that these two movies revolve around fathers. Guess I have father issues. Funny.)

I hope you have seen those two films; if not go right now.

We all have our own stories of life that we are living in. If I had to guess I would say that there are themes that are similar in all of our stories. We all know pain. There have been heart-breaking moments that have brought us to our knees. We all have also made mistakes in the past that we regret. I have had so many times that I have messed up, I lost count years ago. If we are truthful, I bet we all have lived some moments of our lives in fear. There’s the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of being laughed at, fear of the future, and I could go on.

But the great thing about our stories is they’re not written in stone. Our future in our story can change. Why? Because our God is a god that loves His children. That’s one of the most important things you can ever learn: that God loves you just as you are right now. And because His love is the greatest story ever told, then He has the ability to transform every story ever told. Because of His love for us, we no longer have to live stories of hurt, or guilt, or fear. Because of His love for us, we can live stories of love, of redemption, of courage. I’m not saying that with God everything in life is perfect with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. What I am saying is that He has a way of changing the way we see things when we just simply put our trust in Him, even the way we see our own stories.

The other week I was sitting in a church service in Mexico. The speaker was Brother Franco. If you know Brother Franco you know that (A) he speaks in Spanish and (B) he is long winded. So needless to say he couldn’t keep my attention. I know I would only understand about one in every 30 words if I did pay attention. Maybe 1 in every 27. Maybe.

To kill the time I opened up the ole Bible and started reading. I read the story of Hosea and his wife Gomer. It’s found in the book of Hosea, if you didn’t know. To me it’s one of the best stories of forgiveness and it also involves a woman of ill repute. It starts out with Hosea, just a man trying to follow God. God tells Hosea to marry Gomer. Gomer didn’t have the best reputation in town. You see, Gomer was what we would call a hooker, a lady of the night, prostitute, trick-turner. Get it? But despite her past and her reputation, God still wanted Hosea to do this.

I have no idea what Hosea must have been thinking. Was he worried that his own name would be ruined? What would everyone else think of him? It’d be like God telling Rick Warren to marry a stripper. Imagine how many Christians would shun Rick. I know one thing though; I bet Hosea was a little intimidated on their wedding night. You ever been around someone who was a pro at something and you’re just no where near their level? A bit of overwhelming, I guess.

Fast forward. Gomer gets pregnant. God had told Hosea that some of Gomer’s children wouldn’t be his. Boy, I bet that feeling had to suck. They really didn’t have the Maury Povich show back then so there was no way of telling who the baby’s daddy was. But God wanted Hosea to stay committed to his family despite the extracurricular activities his wife had. Later it mentions something about Gomer no longer belonging to Hosea. I really don’t know how that happened. God then tells Hosea to buy her back. And Hosea did.

This whole story is meant to be an illustration of God’s love for His people. I am Gomer in this story and God is Hosea. I have put many things in front of my relationship with God. I have cheated on Him. I have been like the prostitute Gomer many times in my life; selling my devotion to things that in the end don’t matter. I bet you have too. We’ve all wandered before. But yet He is still there. He still wants a relationship with us. Sometimes I just don’t understand His devotion to us. Shouldn’t He be fed up with us by now? But He’s not. I only hope I can commit more of my life to Him, piece by piece, day by day. And I pray the same for you.

Emotions. We all have them. Some of us show them more than others. Some of us keep them bottled up, but they are still there. There are certain things in life that grab our emotions and capture them tightly. Situations can take hold of our emotions. The tragedy in Haiti has left my heart saddened by all of those who have lost their lives, and yet I am hopeful as well due to the outpouring of help that is coming from across the globe. Stories can leave us emotional as well. I am not afraid to admit I still get a little misty eyed when I see Samuel L. Jackson run out of the courtroom and hug his daughter at the end of the film A Time to Kill. But most of the time after my emotions take hold, I go back to my normal way of life, my normal way of feeling. I turn off the TV news, or I walk out of the movie theater.

Some people say that love is an emotion. I happen to believe that love is something more than just an emotion. True love, like the kind God has for His children and what His children are supposed to have for Him, is not something that is meant to be strong and fervent one minute and back to lukewarm and “normal” the next. If that was the case, then love is something fickle. And since the Creator defines what love is (because He is love), then it can’t be fickle. It has to be something constant. Something that doesn’t fade in and fade out; a commitment of sorts.

I confess that there have been many times in my life where my devotion to God is this fickle thing that I call love. I want to serve Him and please Him one minute, and then the next day my passion has died down a little. You ever felt like that? You ever heard some sermon that just made your heart burn with a desire for God and then slowly that burning fire died down? I think I have had many of those moments. I think those kind of moments are what going to church camp as a teen is all about.

I believe that God wants more than that from us. I am reminded of what Jesus taught about the benefits of building your house on a rock versus building your house on sand. A rock is something permanent. It’s strong and stable. Sand is shifty. It can be hard to keep your footing when you are in the sand. My love and devotion needs to be more like a rock and less like the sand. My faith needs to be more of a commitment and less of an emotion. My faith needs to be something that just is and not something that is on fire one minute and then quickly washed away. An unstable love is not really a love at all. My desire is to be completely captivated by my God. Not just on certain days of the week or certain times when I am going through difficulties. It’s so easy for me to run to God when times are tough. But I want to be close to God at all times; in the good and the bad. That’s what being in a relationship with God is all about. My desire is to have a love for Him that is not based in emotion but in commitment, because He committed to me before I even knew Him. And I pray the same for you as well because He has committed Himself to all of His children.

Hi. How’s it going? Hope the New Year is treating you well so far. As you may or may not know, I have been working on getting my Masters in Professional Counseling. Well, I am taking this semester off. Scheduling issues. Looks like it’s gonna take me a little longer to complete. I know you might be thinking, “Haven’t you been doing that a few years now?” Yeah, I think I can graduate before the end of this decade we just started. Give me a break, I work full time and it’s a 60-something hour program. So, now I am finding I have free time on my hands, which is kinda crazy for me. Usually, I spend my weekends buried in psych books but not this semester. Now, I have time to write again, which is why you are currently reading this. (Thanks for reading buy the way. I know there are other ways you could spend 10 minutes.)

Usually, I try to tell some story and relate it to some lesson I have learned from God in hopes that you can take some nugget of wisdom away but not today. Today, I just wanted to write an update about things going on in my life and some things God has taught me lately. (if you happen to learn anything positive from what God has taught me, then great. so this actually may end up being like something I usually write.).

First of all, my 1st published article comes out in about a month or so. It totally came out of no where. I have been writing and rambling for a few years now and have never been professionally published. I even wrote a book, which I could not get picked up. And then, out of no where a friend/magazine editor asked for some pieces. I sent some but didn’t hear anything for about 4 months. I just assumed my stuff sucked and they had read better literary pieces on the stalls in public restrooms. But then I got the call, or e-mail I should say. So I guess the lesson I learned is to never count God out. I prayed and prayed and prayed for something to happen with my writing and it never did. It is great when someone tells you that they learned something from something you wrote, but getting something published was something I needed to do. After a while, I felt like maybe God didn’t want it to happen. And after a lot of complaining on my part, I came to accept that. But I wasn’t going to completely stop writing because it is an ability God has given me. And I kept on. And out of no where He surprised me and showed me He is faithful. I’m not saying He’ll answer your prayer to win the lottery or anything like that (He hasn’t answered that one for me yet), but He can be trusted. And to trust God means to follow Him even when He doesn’t answer all your prayers.

And then there’s the whole taking off this semester thing. Yes, it is putting me behind on when I plan to graduate. Yes, I wished it wasn’t happening. You ever have something like that happen? Where things are running smoothly and then all of a sudden, Wham-o. Delayed. Life On-hold. I guess I could sit here and whine and complain about how I gonna be behind now. About how my brain might get rusty or something because I am not taking classes. I’m trying my best to be positive about it. It’s going to be nice to read for pleasure for a few months. It will be relaxing not to have papers and tests to worry about for awhile. And I am saving the money I would have spent on tuition. Sometimes God likes to bring us to a place where we are kind of on hold. Maybe He knows that we need the rest, or maybe there’s another reason. But I believe He brings us to these places because He knows what’s best for us at every moment in our life.

That’s really all that’s been going on in my life lately. That and me still being single. But that’s a whole other post entirely. Sorry for the long post; it’s been a while. Til next time. Happy twenty-ten.